The book “Four Agreements” is a famous work by author Don Miguel Ruiz. This book discusses four fundamental principles to create a happy, free, and meaningful life. It contains incredibly simple yet influential principles that can greatly impact us. Just by striving to remember and practice these four agreements, I believe each of us can liberate ourselves from the suffering we create.
Agreement 1: Be Impeccable with Your Word
When I read the first words, I wonder how words could make me commit offenses against myself?
According to Don Miguel, words are a force that can create invisible power. They can become a magic spell, but they can also become a curse. To understand the power of words, we can compare our minds to fertile soil. Our opinions, ideas, or concepts are what we seed into our minds every day. If you put good and positive seeds, they will grow and develop. But the issue is that we often get drawn to negativity and fear, allowing them to infiltrate our minds and change our belief systems for the worse.
I remember in my childhood years, I was always called names like “ugly” and “stupid.” And those concepts became deeply ingrained in me until adulthood. I used to believe that I wasn’t beautiful enough, not good enough, or not talented enough.
Do you know that negative criticism and evaluations can have a strong impact on shaping a person’s self-image, especially during childhood and adolescence? Being obsessed with negative words, feeling inadequate or insufficient, can affect your self-confidence, positive thinking, and your ability to recognize your own worth. Therefore, this agreement aims to ensure that you won’t speak anything against yourself. This means you’ll take responsibility for your own words and simultaneously avoid judging or criticizing yourself. Do you notice how often we criticize ourselves and reserve kind words for our loved ones? So why don’t you reserve those kind words for yourself first instead of constantly judging and mistreating yourself?
The author says: “Being impeccable with your word means not using words against yourself”.When you use your words to provoke or harm others, it might seem like you’re using it to hurt or attack that person. However, your words are actually working against yourself. When they hate you for what you say, it’s not beneficial for you. So if you project harmful emotions onto others, you’re actually using those words against yourself. Every time we hear an opinion and believe it, our brain starts to accept it as truth and adapt it into our belief system. Looking back over the years, didn’t we often believe the negative words others said about us and naturally turn them into our own identities? Instead, if we become more conscious of our words and thoughts directed at ourselves and others, we can change our belief system and become better individuals.
By selectively choose the seeds you plant in your own garden, you will make the soil of your soul more fertile, beautiful, and magical every day.
Agreement 2: Don’t Take Anything Personally
With this agreement, Don Miguel wants to emphasize that other people’s opinions of you are projections of their own worldview and have nothing to do with you. If someone calls you fat or ugly, don’t internalize those words as about you, because they’re speaking based on their own beliefs, observations, and emotions. Remember that others have the right to give you poison, but it’s up to you whether to accept it or not. If you internalize all their garbage, you’re allowing it to become your own. In psychology, that’s setting boundaries for yourself. Others have the right to speak, but whether you accept their words or not is your decision. Their words can’t hurt you; they only touch the wounds you already have.
If you have low self-esteem and constantly care about what others think of you, you become a target for those who want to take avantages or manipulate you because they can use their words to attack, mock, or harm you. On the other hand, those words won’t affect people with high self-esteem, because they understand themselves and won’t let anyone influence them. So, see everything for what it is and don’t internalize it.
For me, this is a very challenging agreement, as a sensitive person by nature. Words, looks, or actions of others can easily affect me emotionally. Long-term, this leads to exhaustion and vulnerability. Practicing not taking things personally is like freeing yourself. In situations, I try not to get carried away by emotions but instead remind myself with the phrase “Don’t take anything personally,” to signal my brain to stop overanalyzing and procastinate everything.
You know, in this world, everything happens for a reason. And you don’t need to spend time speculating, analyzing, or assuming. Like when someone decides to leave you, sometimes it’s for the best because their present can harm you for a long time. Instead of focusing too much on others, we need to focus on ourself instead. When you can create a firm habit of not internalizing everything, negative emotions like worry, jealousy, and insecurity will fade away.
Agreement 3: Don’t Make Assumptions About Others
Don Miguel wants to convey the message that we shouldn’t hold negative assumptions about others without clear evidence. We shouldn’t judge or evaluate others based on our own assumptions or deductions. Most negative emotions or suffering arise from our own assumptions. We’ve guessed, woven, and thought about what others say based on how we perceive the world, instead of their perspectives.
For example, I saw my friends from a far , and I said hello but they didn’t react . I started assuming they don’t like me, they don’t value me, but in reality, they just couldn’t see me from a distance because they weren’t wearing glasses. Or when a coworker doesn’t reply to my message for 2 hours, I assume they’re unprofessional, disrespectful, but in truth, they took 2 days off for a family matter and couldn’t respond right away. You see, when faced with a problem, our minds tend to assume based on our own worldview, mostly leaning toward negativity rather than objectively looking at the situation itself.
The author also presents a good perspective on how we approach the concept of love, which I deeply empathize with. It’s the assumption that love has the power to change people. We think that after marriage, we can change someone. However, the truth is that no one can change another person. People can only change if they want to, and we can’t change them. And our beliefs and false assumptions that we can change others have caused many difficulties and emotional hurt in relationships. So, rather than trying to change someone, the author advises us to find someone whom we don’t need to change anything about. This will be much easier and bring much more happiness than trying to change someone we love. And the truth is, it’s not love if we want to change others. It’s not love if we have to pretend to be someone else to be with them. True love is accepting and cherishing someone without needing to change either ourselves or them. If we feel the need to change ourselves or others to sustain a relationship, then it’s not love; it might be an attempt to adapt or force. True love exists when we love and respect others for their strengths and weaknesses, without requiring any changes. This leads to an open and sincere relationship where both individuals can grow based on acceptance and genuine emotions. If someone cannot love you for who you are, it’s better to say goodbye rather than making unnecessary assumptions.
The efficient way to stop those assumptions is by asking questions. If you’re not clear about something, the best approach is to ask questions rather than making assumptions. When you let go of assumptions, your words won’t be offensive. Asking questions also allows you to express your voice instead of staying silent and guessing. I used to be hesitant about asking someone about something and would always ask a friend to do it for me. And my friend once said : if you don’t ask, the answer will always be no. Others have the right to answer yes or no, but always remember you have the right to ask. Similarly, you have the right to answer yes or no. Remember, you don’t always have to please others by saying yes. Habits and patterns have deeply ingrained in you since childhood. Therefore, to change your way of thinking, the only thing you can do is to repeatedly take action. This will strengthen your determination and create a solid foundation to help you form habits, patterns, and free yourself from restricting thoughts.
Agreement 4: Always Do Your Best
Finally, this agreement encourages us to always put in effort and work our hardest in every situation. Instead of blaming circumstances or others, we should take responsibility and give our best effort. By simply doing your best, you won’t have reasons to judge yourself, feel self-doubt, or punish yourself. When you give your most effort, you become valuable, bringing value to yourself, your family, and society. If you work only for the reward, you will not feel satisfied at the end of the month; instead, you’ll feel bored and disheartened. That’s different from someone who works because they love their job, wanting to bring value. In that case, they don’t wait for results; results come to them. So, if you act for the benefit of the action itself rather than being fixated on the reward, you will find that you can enjoy life and be much happier.
Don Miguel said, “Action is about living fully. Inaction is the way that we deny life. Inaction is sitting in front of the television every day for yearsbecause you are afraid to be alive and to take the risk of expressing what you are” And if you don’t truly take action, your life will never change.
Always remember that you were born to be happy, to pursue your dreams in freedom. By putting in your best effort to follow those agreements above, you’ll free your mind from the limiting thoughts that have held you back. Take action, step by step, every day, repeat it to new thinking and new living habits. This will help you break free from the hell you’ve created for yourself. And today is a great day to start this precious journey.
